no track for this one...nothing really fits.
---
it's a city year tradition to "earn" one's uniform for their service year. not necessarily to weed out the folks who are in it for the free timbos, but to offer corps members and staff an opportunity be introspective...to ponder on what brought them to city year and what will drive them thru a challenging 10 months. on the day before opening day, the day of our installation into americorps and city year, we hold a bomber dedication ceremony. the bomber is the most iconic portion of the city year uniform. it's nothing too special; a bright red windbreaker with the CY logo on the front, an american flag on one sleeve, the americorps logo on the other, and "city year" on the back. wait, i mistyped; it's nothing special to the average person. ignoring the simplicity of its design, what the bomber represents is the idealistic spirit that courses thru each member that wears it; it represents the pledge that each member has taken to devote their time and energy to enacting positive change in the communities they serve in; it represents that future that our country can achieve if service were put before conflict. to the children in the communities we serve, that bomber symbolizes love, support, and appreciation; that's special. as i said, we dedicate our bombers to whomever or for whatever we would like. and i was scared.
i didn't want to just do something hackneyed and trite because i take my year of service very seriously, regardless of whether others around me do not. i thought about the influences i've had, both positive and negative, and decided that when it came time for me to share who i was dedicating my bomber to, i would just speak. no forethought, no preparation, just talk and keep talking until...i dunno. i guess i didn't think about the ending. people before me were dedicating their bombers to friends, family, loved ones, past students, children, themselves...all of them were touching and beautiful. i held back tears on numerous occasions at the depth to which people were willing to expose themselves to people they've only known for at most, 3 weeks. we sat in a circle, fresh to death in our new uniforms, silently absorbing each other's passion, dedication, and hope. then it was my turn. and i was scared.
i swallowed hard. my throat tightened as if i no longer could control my heart (perhaps i couldn't...) and i just spoke.
"i dedicate my bomber and my year of service to my parents, my mother and father. for thru her unconditional affection and his constant absence, i know what true love is."
i felt them watching me. i hesitated before grabbing my bomber and unzipping it, awaiting more words, but nothing came out. when i put my bomber on, i felt wrong. wrong for mentioning my father at a place where such love and compassion were. wrong for even having him in my head at a time where we should focusing on what motivates us to do good things. and that's when i felt it...the coldness of hatred. and i was scared.
for those who may not know, i have a complicated relationship with my father. i don't know where i stand on a lot of issues with him, but i know that i cannot live with his burden...that's not fair. his burden of being a pisspoor father is not one that i must carry as his offspring, i know that, but to be real, he serves as the antithesis of what i hope to become. for 22 years (more or less) i've known little about the man that sired me except what my mother has told me. yea, she's biased, but then again so am i. but what shook me was the enmity i have for him...the amount of hate in my heart and my mind that...that keeps me focused and fueled. i feed off of my hatred for him and use that energy to teach love for all people? can it work that way? am i as hypocritical as i feel? i don't know...i don't know and i'm scared.
i never wanted to despise him...but i do. objectively, i should just talk to him, hear his side of the story, find out the truth from the source instead of relying on hearsay...but i don't want to. the funny thing about love and hate is that they are most often thought of as polar opposites; love = NOT hate and hate = NOT love. however, that's not the case. love and hate are both sources of motivation for our actions, only one gives you immediate gratification while the other one delays it; love is infectious while hate is poisonous...same idea, but our semantics skew our perceptions. i hate my father because it's easy, instant gratification; but i love him as well because he's a part of me and i damn sure do love myself (at times). so this internal conflict, this love/hate dance, truly represents what my service year is about. if i'm going to instill in these young heroes the importance of loving your neighbor as yourself, i'm going to have to force myself to do the same, especially because everyday i put that bomber on, i'm accepting his influence on me. it's not like me to back down from a challenge, but it's different when you ARE the challenge...it's scarier.
i dedicate my bomber and my year of service to my mother and my father....thru service, i hope that i can find peace and use it to kindle the spirit within me instead of a mix of love and hate.
i'm sorry for hating you and i'm sorry for loving you; i'm just scared.
9.29.2007
9.22.2007
CITY|year: day.16
This puppet democracy brainwashed your psychology, /
So you're nothing like diversity with equality. //
---
oh dear, it's been a minute since i've written anything..but that's because of the hecticosity that city year has been providing. we began our third week at cyNY with BTR, or basic training retreat. when you boil that down it pretty much means that we were taken to a camp that offered bunzdoodoo food and slept in window-less cabins.
what a teambuilder.
the purpose of BTR is to talk about and prepare the corps for various issues revolving around diversity (*shudder*) and other issues of sensitivity. i didn't wanna enter the week negative, so i assumed the best; i looked forward to engaging and stimulating conversations about our prejudices and what we can do to ensure that we remain respectful of people's differences. instead, conversations focused on semi-philosophic drivel and giving certain folk an opportunity to do some frontal-lobe masturbation, ejaculating a series of statements used to either solidify their defenses or show off their acute sensitivity skills. suffice to say, i got little out of the weekend except a chance to view some corps members in a more natural environment, the people-watcher that i am, and legitimatley befriend other peers. people chose to deflect truly difficult issues like homosexuality, racism, and self-identity, offering little more than sound-bites and glib remarks about how "not racist" they are. even some of the workshops aired on the side of safety instead of probing a bit deeper. to be real, i woulda liked to see SOMEONE get offended or show a bit of emotion and then have it challenged instead of coddled. but i guess that's what the year is for...
i've been debating on whether or not to delve into another issue that BTR brought about...i'm on the fence only because i would like to believe that in time the issue will resolve itself. however, my gut says that it won't so do i bring it up? let me know the 4-6 of you that read this blog and make the decision for me; if y'all say yes, expect it in the next couple of days.
quick update on young heroes: the team is coming along nicely. we're still in our training regimen, YH practicum, and we enter our schools for the first time on monday (SUPER GASSED about that). as a group, the three heroes teams are definitely the most solid corps members and i can taste the incredible things we're gonna make happen this year. i'm in the process of deciding what role i wanna have on the team. i can do mostly anything, but my heart is calling me to try the service role or event/operations). E/O reminds me a lot of the programming that i had to do at the 'nell, coordinating events and being the point person. it would give me a chance to properly develop my delegation skills and give me a familiarity cushion. if i wanna push myself more, i should do service because i'll then be responsible for being the HDIC (head dude in charge) for all of the service projects that YH does, coordinating with the civic engagement team (NYCE!), and calling communities organizations for possible service projects. PLUS, the service projects will hafta relate to the topic for the day...mad pressure. i kinda wanna test the waters and do service, but we'll see what i choose...by tomorrow.
anyhoo, that's enough for one session...shout out BSP, SB for making me talk, and of course all the future young heroes. oh, and again, if there's a city year site in your area, PLEASE look out for and attend a service day (http://www.cityyear.org), you won't be disappointed.
still reppin'....HE-ROES!
PS: free the jena six...
So you're nothing like diversity with equality. //
---
oh dear, it's been a minute since i've written anything..but that's because of the hecticosity that city year has been providing. we began our third week at cyNY with BTR, or basic training retreat. when you boil that down it pretty much means that we were taken to a camp that offered bunzdoodoo food and slept in window-less cabins.
what a teambuilder.
the purpose of BTR is to talk about and prepare the corps for various issues revolving around diversity (*shudder*) and other issues of sensitivity. i didn't wanna enter the week negative, so i assumed the best; i looked forward to engaging and stimulating conversations about our prejudices and what we can do to ensure that we remain respectful of people's differences. instead, conversations focused on semi-philosophic drivel and giving certain folk an opportunity to do some frontal-lobe masturbation, ejaculating a series of statements used to either solidify their defenses or show off their acute sensitivity skills. suffice to say, i got little out of the weekend except a chance to view some corps members in a more natural environment, the people-watcher that i am, and legitimatley befriend other peers. people chose to deflect truly difficult issues like homosexuality, racism, and self-identity, offering little more than sound-bites and glib remarks about how "not racist" they are. even some of the workshops aired on the side of safety instead of probing a bit deeper. to be real, i woulda liked to see SOMEONE get offended or show a bit of emotion and then have it challenged instead of coddled. but i guess that's what the year is for...
i've been debating on whether or not to delve into another issue that BTR brought about...i'm on the fence only because i would like to believe that in time the issue will resolve itself. however, my gut says that it won't so do i bring it up? let me know the 4-6 of you that read this blog and make the decision for me; if y'all say yes, expect it in the next couple of days.
quick update on young heroes: the team is coming along nicely. we're still in our training regimen, YH practicum, and we enter our schools for the first time on monday (SUPER GASSED about that). as a group, the three heroes teams are definitely the most solid corps members and i can taste the incredible things we're gonna make happen this year. i'm in the process of deciding what role i wanna have on the team. i can do mostly anything, but my heart is calling me to try the service role or event/operations). E/O reminds me a lot of the programming that i had to do at the 'nell, coordinating events and being the point person. it would give me a chance to properly develop my delegation skills and give me a familiarity cushion. if i wanna push myself more, i should do service because i'll then be responsible for being the HDIC (head dude in charge) for all of the service projects that YH does, coordinating with the civic engagement team (NYCE!), and calling communities organizations for possible service projects. PLUS, the service projects will hafta relate to the topic for the day...mad pressure. i kinda wanna test the waters and do service, but we'll see what i choose...by tomorrow.
anyhoo, that's enough for one session...shout out BSP, SB for making me talk, and of course all the future young heroes. oh, and again, if there's a city year site in your area, PLEASE look out for and attend a service day (http://www.cityyear.org), you won't be disappointed.
still reppin'....HE-ROES!
PS: free the jena six...
9.14.2007
CITY|year: day.8
This ain't the glorified, just painting the street picture /
There's no guidance or Bibles, just blunts and swishers /
Gillettes cut 'caine in kitchen /
Now every rapper wanna claim he hang with Kenneth "Supreme" Griffith. //
---
the genesis...i officially have a team (altho my heart is still with the lighthouse). i am a member of the young heroes team based out of IS 204 in long island city (he-ROES!), which means i'll be developing service projects and saturday programs for middle schoolers to engage various social justice issues. this will be the FIRST young heroes team in LIC so we're setting the foundation for years to come (no pressure). oh, and for those that feel as tho youth are a nuisance, PLEASE come to MLK Day in january 2008 so i can prove you wrong. please. honestly. say we can't reverse demises and turn falls into rises...
however, this blog is more than just an affirmation of what i'm currently doing, i'm gonna flex philosophic too. my team is eight strong; we vary in age, leadership experience, and character yet are unified by our desire to serve. no lie, it's gonna be a challenging year...we've got some competitive folk who are blinded by correctivity that they cannot accept feedback; we've got some folk that aren't the most socially apt, but they're getting there; we've got some folk that need to step up and grab the mic and others that need to practice their back-up dances. but it's early in the game so i'm just making my mental notes, remembering that this is big leagues and when needed, i gotta step in and make sure what we're doing is beneficial. but where do i draw the line? when does my guidance become pompous? should i develop some sort of internal gauge and keep myself outta the red zone? my heart says yeah...i'm now a part of something much larger than myself in city year and i'm always one to put the community before me, now i just hafta be adamant about our direction when i feel we're heading down a treacherous path.
in any case, i'ma be assessing my adopted hood over the next couple weeks before we get our serve on. therefore, if you see that city year logo in astoria, LIC, queensbridge, or ravenswood, holla at us...we're here to work with you to make the changes you wanna see happen.
still representin' like the last track of illmatic....
PSs: shout to the homie ray m. for being the ONLY person to even attempt to guess the tracks (q-boro!) \\ if you want to get involved in some service days with city year (come out, plant some flowers, clean a park, paint a mural), drop a comment and i'll get back at you...city year is NATIONWIDE, as is our service \\ and if you wanna see city year: NYC in action, come to union square at 8:15a every mon. and fri....you'll see me there.
There's no guidance or Bibles, just blunts and swishers /
Gillettes cut 'caine in kitchen /
Now every rapper wanna claim he hang with Kenneth "Supreme" Griffith. //
---
the genesis...i officially have a team (altho my heart is still with the lighthouse). i am a member of the young heroes team based out of IS 204 in long island city (he-ROES!), which means i'll be developing service projects and saturday programs for middle schoolers to engage various social justice issues. this will be the FIRST young heroes team in LIC so we're setting the foundation for years to come (no pressure). oh, and for those that feel as tho youth are a nuisance, PLEASE come to MLK Day in january 2008 so i can prove you wrong. please. honestly. say we can't reverse demises and turn falls into rises...
however, this blog is more than just an affirmation of what i'm currently doing, i'm gonna flex philosophic too. my team is eight strong; we vary in age, leadership experience, and character yet are unified by our desire to serve. no lie, it's gonna be a challenging year...we've got some competitive folk who are blinded by correctivity that they cannot accept feedback; we've got some folk that aren't the most socially apt, but they're getting there; we've got some folk that need to step up and grab the mic and others that need to practice their back-up dances. but it's early in the game so i'm just making my mental notes, remembering that this is big leagues and when needed, i gotta step in and make sure what we're doing is beneficial. but where do i draw the line? when does my guidance become pompous? should i develop some sort of internal gauge and keep myself outta the red zone? my heart says yeah...i'm now a part of something much larger than myself in city year and i'm always one to put the community before me, now i just hafta be adamant about our direction when i feel we're heading down a treacherous path.
in any case, i'ma be assessing my adopted hood over the next couple weeks before we get our serve on. therefore, if you see that city year logo in astoria, LIC, queensbridge, or ravenswood, holla at us...we're here to work with you to make the changes you wanna see happen.
still representin' like the last track of illmatic....
PSs: shout to the homie ray m. for being the ONLY person to even attempt to guess the tracks (q-boro!) \\ if you want to get involved in some service days with city year (come out, plant some flowers, clean a park, paint a mural), drop a comment and i'll get back at you...city year is NATIONWIDE, as is our service \\ and if you wanna see city year: NYC in action, come to union square at 8:15a every mon. and fri....you'll see me there.
9.06.2007
CITY|year: day.3
I still struggle just like you \
And I still hustle just like you \
But it just so happens that \
Big Pooh doin' what he love to do. \\
---
straight up and down, my feet burn cause of all the walking, but my soul is fired up. i'm not usually gonna hit back-to-back blogs simply because...well, i'm just kinda lazy. however, i'm moved to do it again like j.legend and share with you why i haven't felt this good in a minute and a half.
i spent the day walking about new york city. mind you, i don't just mean "the city," manhattan, i mean LITERALLY new york city. from brooklyn heights, to lower manhattan, to chinatown, to little italy, and BACK to brooklyn, today was a veritable walking tour of my city. OD to say that least. but thruout the day i got to really interact with my fellow corps members and teammates (lightHOUSE...your call...) on a person-to-person level. there was no awkwardness, there was no judgment, folk were real all day and that allowed me to let down those ever-present defenses of mine momentarily and give them a glimpse of the madness that fuels me. we had a chance to just speak to each other and learn from each other about our lives, our passions, especially about what brought us to city year. it was refreshing to hear about other people, the listener that i am, and not feel the need to analyze (even tho i still did a bit). i fit within the corps of city year...i belong there, and i'm blessed that i have the chance to serve alongside some of the most powerful people our society has to offer. fall back futility, expediency, timidity, and comfort...my idealism is comin for you.
imagine. recruit. transform. inspire. try it out, cause i'm finna to.
oh, and if you're planning on traipsing about new york, don't rock chuck taylors...it's just not a good look.
maintainin'...[+ -- oo]
And I still hustle just like you \
But it just so happens that \
Big Pooh doin' what he love to do. \\
---
straight up and down, my feet burn cause of all the walking, but my soul is fired up. i'm not usually gonna hit back-to-back blogs simply because...well, i'm just kinda lazy. however, i'm moved to do it again like j.legend and share with you why i haven't felt this good in a minute and a half.
i spent the day walking about new york city. mind you, i don't just mean "the city," manhattan, i mean LITERALLY new york city. from brooklyn heights, to lower manhattan, to chinatown, to little italy, and BACK to brooklyn, today was a veritable walking tour of my city. OD to say that least. but thruout the day i got to really interact with my fellow corps members and teammates (lightHOUSE...your call...) on a person-to-person level. there was no awkwardness, there was no judgment, folk were real all day and that allowed me to let down those ever-present defenses of mine momentarily and give them a glimpse of the madness that fuels me. we had a chance to just speak to each other and learn from each other about our lives, our passions, especially about what brought us to city year. it was refreshing to hear about other people, the listener that i am, and not feel the need to analyze (even tho i still did a bit). i fit within the corps of city year...i belong there, and i'm blessed that i have the chance to serve alongside some of the most powerful people our society has to offer. fall back futility, expediency, timidity, and comfort...my idealism is comin for you.
imagine. recruit. transform. inspire. try it out, cause i'm finna to.
oh, and if you're planning on traipsing about new york, don't rock chuck taylors...it's just not a good look.
maintainin'...[+ -- oo]
9.05.2007
CITY|year: day.2
Spray paint and ink pens /
I use to write in every color I think in /
To paint a picture with every line that I speak in /
Yeah, the gallery is the beacon //
---
::[message from the management]::
so this blog is really MAD selfish. sure, you gain some insight into who i am, what i do, how i think. but the real purpose of this weblog (that's the expanded version on "blog") is to check myself and give myself something to look back on in a few weeks, a few months...who knows, even a year. it'll be a melange of me, aspects from all that i do and love. some things are gonna be deep, profound, life-changing; some are gonna need lotion they're so dry. so remember, when those blog entries just aren't as entertaining as you may expect, i'm sorry...but this isn't for you.
even tho, it kinda is.
::[end message]::
...it's funny...i would have never thought that of all the things i learned in college, the most important things came from my work in student organizations. i shouldn't be too surprised; i broadcast the importance of service to one's community all the time. service is what brought me to city year - new york...only now in the early stages of my service year i'm already conflicted.
for those that are unaware, city year is a national organization under the americorps that works to better the lives of children thru intervention programs and community-based initiatives. that's just a fancy way of saying that we serve to empower and educate youth so that we improve their conditions and give them the resources to improve their own conditions. thru the service that i've been a part of, in school and out of school, i feel particularly drawn to the young heroes program, a program that offers afterschool and saturday programs to middle school children. it would give me a chance to work with a demographic that i'm familiar with, can relate to, and it would offer me a chance to put the programmatic skills i've garnered to great use. but i dunno...do i politic and hustle my way onto young heroes, express interest and my own skills to those who make the team development decisions; or do i play my position and allow myself to be placed wherever i will best serve?
oftentimes i fall back, especially because of how i'm seen. i'm more than just j.willy, i'm an ivy-league graduate, i'm a positive BLACK male, i'm a catalyst for change and sometimes that catches people off-guard. but i know that i'd be doing these youth and myself a true disservice if i were to bite my tongue and not serve where i think i'll be the most effective. i cannot allow myself to step down for the sake of others stepping up as often as i'd like to. the skill set that i've acquired in my life is so perfect for this opportunity and to hide that would be selfish. if i claim to wanna help my people, then it's time to begin cultivation not only of youth, but of my peers.
still doin' it for the community...
PS: the label is the name of the track that the verse at the beginning comes from...you gotta guess the artist tho. you get the artist, i shout you out in the next blog. simple.
I use to write in every color I think in /
To paint a picture with every line that I speak in /
Yeah, the gallery is the beacon //
---
::[message from the management]::
so this blog is really MAD selfish. sure, you gain some insight into who i am, what i do, how i think. but the real purpose of this weblog (that's the expanded version on "blog") is to check myself and give myself something to look back on in a few weeks, a few months...who knows, even a year. it'll be a melange of me, aspects from all that i do and love. some things are gonna be deep, profound, life-changing; some are gonna need lotion they're so dry. so remember, when those blog entries just aren't as entertaining as you may expect, i'm sorry...but this isn't for you.
even tho, it kinda is.
::[end message]::
...it's funny...i would have never thought that of all the things i learned in college, the most important things came from my work in student organizations. i shouldn't be too surprised; i broadcast the importance of service to one's community all the time. service is what brought me to city year - new york...only now in the early stages of my service year i'm already conflicted.
for those that are unaware, city year is a national organization under the americorps that works to better the lives of children thru intervention programs and community-based initiatives. that's just a fancy way of saying that we serve to empower and educate youth so that we improve their conditions and give them the resources to improve their own conditions. thru the service that i've been a part of, in school and out of school, i feel particularly drawn to the young heroes program, a program that offers afterschool and saturday programs to middle school children. it would give me a chance to work with a demographic that i'm familiar with, can relate to, and it would offer me a chance to put the programmatic skills i've garnered to great use. but i dunno...do i politic and hustle my way onto young heroes, express interest and my own skills to those who make the team development decisions; or do i play my position and allow myself to be placed wherever i will best serve?
oftentimes i fall back, especially because of how i'm seen. i'm more than just j.willy, i'm an ivy-league graduate, i'm a positive BLACK male, i'm a catalyst for change and sometimes that catches people off-guard. but i know that i'd be doing these youth and myself a true disservice if i were to bite my tongue and not serve where i think i'll be the most effective. i cannot allow myself to step down for the sake of others stepping up as often as i'd like to. the skill set that i've acquired in my life is so perfect for this opportunity and to hide that would be selfish. if i claim to wanna help my people, then it's time to begin cultivation not only of youth, but of my peers.
still doin' it for the community...
PS: the label is the name of the track that the verse at the beginning comes from...you gotta guess the artist tho. you get the artist, i shout you out in the next blog. simple.
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