the process of change

shawn carter, sean bell, /
what's the difference, do tell? /
fifty shots or fifty mil, /
ain't no difference, go to hell. //
~

greetings, party people - i'm back for a post of a different kind.  so this whole blog is about my experiences as i try to navigate this thing called life.  it started as my experiences in city year in NY, chronicling my corps year and broadcasting what a year of service was teaching me.  but then the work picked up, and i poured everything i could into my year, into my young heroes - the middle schoolers that showed me the hope our future has.


now 4 years later, i am who i am because of my corps experience and my perspective has changed abou thow i lead my life.  as a 22 year old fresh-out-of-college guy, i grinded to make a difference in the lives of 80 middle schoolers, educating them about social justice and providing them an opportunity impact their community thru service.  i had to create an environment where they could spend a saturday learning about the roots of poverty, sharing their worldviews with other young leaders, and then supporting the local food pantry.  the creation of that environment was a process - a process that reengineered how i interacted with everyone in my life.


as a manager, understading a process is necessary to faciliate the growth of my team. my job as a manager is to set others up to be successful and at city year, that means developing young adults to unlock their potential.  it's what i've been doing since my second year of service and what i want to dedicate my life to.  but as a corps member, the concept of a process was foreign.  i executed things, got isht DONE; that's what my heroes needed me to do and i'd be damned if i wasn't gonna deliver for them.  but during a heroes saturday that my team was running (it was environmental awareness, i believe...), i was forced to step back and see things from the perspective of my team leader (shouts to d.wolfe - guarantee she NEVER reads this).  i saw 12 year olds mimic the collaborative spirit of my team while shoveling mulch in a community garden in astoria;  i heard words of encouragement given to 11 year olds from 15 year olds just like the words of encouragement i gave to that 15 year old weeks prior.  i saw the impact that my team had and i wondered how the hell we did that?  what made us special?  why was this working?


it was the process.


it was meeting students where they were, addressing their needs, and making a process for them to buy into the concept that service makes you a better person because thru it you can improve on the things around you.  that process was a service-learning program that had youth voice in the decisions and leadership; and that program had a process for its development: different roles, different workstreams, different deliverables; and each of those parts had its own process.  real talk, in that community garden, i felt like the moment neo was shot in the matrix and revived himself - the way he saw the world was literally and irrevocably changed.  no green lines of boolean code, i saw systems within systems that spawned systems; i saw limitless opportunities; i saw the key to changing the world.  but we didn't force it.  we knew that building relationships with middle schoolers took patience and consistency; if you force it, you lose your authenticity and once you lose that, it's game over.  you rarely get second chances with 7th graders.


so, why this longwinded ass anecdote?  i doodle.  a lot.  it's how i get thru boring meetings, it's what i do to keep my hands busy, and it keeps my mind from racing too fast.  and sometimes, my doodles can become elaborate, but they never become art.  art is a creative expression of self and i rarely put myself into my doodles.  but i want to - i want to take my doodles and explode them into something that i use to share who i am.  that's where you come in.  i need to draw more and i'm going to use this blog right here to hold me accountable.  i made a process for this endeavor...the problem i didn't stick to it.  my lamesauce ass.

the kid's first 3 song doodle

my process is to use 3 songs to draw/sketch/doodle/etch/scratch/paint/glue/poop something from my mind.  back in my high school days, when art teachers would tell me about my potential if i applied myself (ha, comical), i learned that you hafta respect the process for making art.  you had to immerse yourself and not be mad the outcome all the time.  if you tried to control the process, you cut yourself off from infusing yourself into a piece - you couldn't make art.


so i did this 3 song doodle earlier this week and hated it.  legit, despised it.  i still do.  looking at it makes me want to vomit.  but it's because i compromised the process and forced it.  and what i got was 2 pages of doodoobutter.  and when talking to a good (and wise) friend this week, i realized that just like my heroes, i need to facilitate this process and not force myself into it.  i need to accept where i am and use the folks around me to push me beyond where i think i can go.  i'm no different than my young heroes in NY - i just wish i had a corps member to help me with this stuff.


well, nah - i don't wish i had a corps member;  i have y'all.  or you, whatever.  so this art spit?  it's finna be a long process, but i'm gonna work thru it and get to a place where i can create something that represents me and those i love and appreciate.  it'll make a dope housewarming gift for someone.  let's see what next week brings.


peace and renewed vision...

*wipes off the grime*

so, i guess my lyrical mission /

is that of any muslim or christian; /

spread the goodness his gospel thru the rhyme intervention. /

if rap was religion, i'd be a southern baptist. /

could never be a catholic. why? cause i don't appeal to the masses. //

~~

after taking the ILL hiatus, i'm back in the blogosphere with sights, stories, and nonsense to share.  july of 2009 was the last time that i dropped a post and to be real, i was in a really special place at that moment in time.  i had graduated from my second year of service at city year new york, developing, running, and ending the long island city young heroes program.  i was working at ithaca college on their summer institute program from prefreshman students (and please believe that program has nary seen a staff as bomb as we were...just sayin).  i was smitten by a young woman with whom i had never felt a connection to since many moons before.  i was finna head home to queens, find an afterschool program to rock with, grind on my GREs, and then apply to graduate school with a fine woman that cared about me and start my adult life.

then my unfortunate reality kicked in, realness suffocated my plans and dreams and i returned to actuality.  the night she and i had was just the magic of good food, a good movie, and two people that genuine feelings for each other that wouldn't balance a see-saw.  she made moves, i had no job, and refused to be the most educated dude on the basketball court in rochdale.  leeching off of my mother was not the move and i felt completely lost.  i turned down a number of definite jobs because they didn't feel right and until that moment, i just followed what felt right to me -- that "The Alchemist" influence, i suppose.  i committed myself to following the signs that would lead me to my Personal Legend and 2 weeks after that last post, i damn near gave up.  but a sign presented itself.

her name is nicole and she legitimately changed my life for the better.  she had reached out to my old supervisor at CYNY and wanted to see if i would be a good fit for a program manager position at city year boston.  a program manager?  me?  the very thought was laughable -- me tryna build a team and set them up to be successful?  me being responsible for the development of people no more than 3 years younger than me?  me being the HNIC?  nah.  you're bugging.

but i had no reason to say no and the words of my man, d.mills, echoed in my head.  "son, you need options out here.  and city year is the place you can thrive in or take over depending on how long you wanna climb."  i knew nicole, i trusted nicole, and i desperately wanted to be a part of young heroes again.  so i applied, got the job, and moved to boston in a 9 day span.  good thing i never really unpacked from my summer in ithaca.

that brought me to the second leg on my post-graduate / "adult" life, the leg i'm currently running on now.  and that brings me to where this blog is finna go now.  i've got about 2 years to fill in for you (yes, you the one person that actually reads this blog) and i'm going to do that while weaving in up-to-date ancedotes and thoughts.  these past 2 years given me a ton of perspective -- i've hurt and been hurt, i've succeeded and failed, i fell in love and then realized that i fell for the wrong person. this life i'm leading is a process and hopefully this blog is gonna chronicle that process.  i don't have  a damn clue where i'm going or what i'm meant to do.  i'm just following signs and doing what i feel is right because it hasn't steered me wrong yet.

so, there's gonna be more dimensions to this blog the...fourth...time around.  my phone is smarter although i'm not, so i can drop more multimedia on this mug.  there'll be some doodles and scribbles, every entry will still start with a clip of music that relates to it, and i'll be more deliberate about posting.  the goal is once a week until i get comfortable generating enough content.  real talk tho, i'm just not that fascinating of a person.  perhaps that's not the best thing to admit on a blog...

either way, welcome back.  grab a beverage you enjoy, keep an open mind as you scroll thru my thoughts, musings, and experiences, and above all send me your comments.  if you comment, i'll reply (to any and every comment) -- i'm all about discourse.

peace and renewal, party people....

under construction

like a missy elliott album - stay tuned for more...