fresh out the boxx...

the hell this dude been?

2011-12-23T00:11:00.001-05:00

Now everybody got the game figured out all wrong /
I guess you never know what you got til it's gone /
I guess that's why I'm here and I can't come back home /
And guess when I heard that, when I was back home /
---

Real talk, technology is pistachios. It's your boy checking in from the megabus, heading to NYC for a dose of rejuvenation in the fountain of Queens. I've been gone a while -- sorry about that -- and while there's much to relay, I'm gonna speak less and show more.

I can be a text-heavy individual and I wanna try to add some other dimensions to the blog and to myself. Plus, typing mad stuff on my thumbs is for the birds. Ergo, I present for your eyes a series of pics that explain the past few weeks. If you see something you like, post a comment for a brotha.

Oh, and all pics were taken by me. On an iPhone. With the camera+ app. Illest .99 investment I've made for a smartphone. Cop it if you aspire to be a mediocre photographer like I do. Done babbling now.

Oh, and I'm on vacation so expect some musings on Southside, my struggle for self-actualization, and other random nonsense that flows from the dome. And more 3 song doodles!

Peace and the comfort of familiar things...

exceptional.

2011-11-04T18:04:00.002-04:00

this is the voice of the voiceless, hope for the hopeless
spit game way too real, they don't promote it
cause the way i approach it, from another angle;
i stay in the streets and notice the gutter rainbows.
it ain't no pot o' gold, it's where the product sold.
it's where we lock and load and cop the rock and roll.
so turn it up loud and turn it up now
turn it up loud, turn it up now
~

"there's an exception to every rule; if you're not making the rules, be the expection."

those that know me (or those that poked around some of my older posts from many moons ago) understand that youth development is my thing. in my younger years, by uncle jimmy told me that being well-balanced leads one to great things, but being a master at something leads one to exceptional things. his words have always stuck with me (i even referenced them in my high school graduation speech...because i was one of the...class...speakers...) and i continue to use them to guide me in my personal legend. i strive to master youth development and youth empowerment, to learn the skills necessary to leave the next generation of leaders equipped to make this world a better place. i consider it wholly selfish work - by investing in youth i can relax when i'm 50 and let them run thangs far more efficiently than i'll be able to at that age. plus it bucks the notion that youth are unable to do anything but eat food that's bad for them, watch TV, play video games, be worried about their self-image, aggravate their parents/guardians/teachers/mentors/siblings, make pisspoor decisions about the company they keep. i legit bet against the status quo by putting my chips on youth - by expecting the best out of those on the come-up and expecting greatness from them.

no other way feels right to me. my mother gave up countless hours of personal time and sleep and rest and vacation and sanity to ensure my success. if she had given up on me, or if uncle jimmy had given up on me, or if my cousins, aunties, church family, friends, random ass kind-hearted people on the E train had just assumed i wasn't worth the time, well...i probably wouldn't have been.

but for real, not for play, it can be excruciating putting your faith in our youth. between the incidences of youth violence in urban communities (according to the tariq khamisa foundation 16 youth a killed a day in the US...that's 480 a month...damn), the expression of apathy amongst our youth, and both of those problems exacerbated by the education inequalities in our society, it's insanely easy to fall victim to the "these damn kids" (TDK) syndrome. if you are unfamiliar with "these damn kids" syndrome, the symptoms generally present in older generations, although some patients present with acute TDK as early as late adolescence. symptoms include boo-boo face contortions in public settings where there are youth congregate, spastic eye rolls, and an uncontrollable expulsion of malcontent that often sounds like, "these damn kids..."

this is serious business, folks. an epidemic of TDK syndrome could cripple the maturation of young people around the world. but i think i have the remedy, and the only reason i have it is because my other blessed me with it at an early age - a TDK inoculation, if you will. she believed in me.

i spent this morning at a high school college fair and events like tend to not yield an onslaught of applications. but at every fair, i meet someone that enhances my immunity to TDK, one person that gets that their existence on this planet is dependent on those around them. success begets success and those that are successful have a duty to help others be successful. today, i met michael.

the homie michael is a senior at his high school, originally from LA, and is on the run from his past. his mom is an true OG and mad people in his family bang back in LA. he came out to boston to escape that lifestyle, although he hasn't been completely successful in completely avoiding it. i spoke to michael because he was waiting to speak to the representative from the college of holy cross (my table was getting less burn than that cat in 8th grade that wore rec specs on the basketball team...you know exactly what i'm talking about. don't front). i ear-hustle a lot, it's part of the reason i carry an ipod everywhere, and while ear-hustling michael's questions to the holy cross rep, i felt a certain kinda way. a good certain kinda way. i made that screwface you make when something resonates with soul. it's a face i know very well - i can often be seen making that face when those slow jams come on. or jay-z. or a bomb ass grilled cheese. or a j.cannon beat. or words from a socially-conscious young person.

guess which michael was.

"what connection does your college have to the community at large?" "what do you do for students of color to help them thru their college career?" "what support do you provide first-generation college students?" "what can students do to get involved in campus life?"

flabbergasted. i'm actually making the screwface as i type the questions he wrote. i had to talk to this young man. his presence made me feel stronger, somehow. his passion for education activated my passion for growth and development. so we shared our backgrounds, our life histories, our personal legends. he told me about his advocacy work and mobilization work in his school; he shocked me with his candor about the effective way to run his student government ("i'm thinking about how to build up those behind because they need to continue the work."); and he wanted to connect with me to try and get his peers involved in leadership development and service. real talk, i would have given him the red vest off my back if it would have help him in his quest to improve the lives of youth. i found a kindred spirit in michael, he found a way to support youth in their education and his own education financially. all i did was listen to him, ask about him, make him aware of the opportunities that were available to him. i invested in him for 15 minutes. and i did it because he is exceptional.

i know people twice michael's age that lack his vision, his drive. his commitment to improve his life and the lives of others burned in him and that smoldering heat radiated from him. i felt it...i felt hopeful.

giving up on youth is easy. mad easy. that TDK syndrome can strike rapidly. but bet money that once you give up on youth, you've chosen to support the status quo. you've decided to co-sign a system that generates less college graduates than inmates. you've made a conscious decision to limit young people so you can remain in your place. and for that, i pity you. i pity you because for every person like you that's afflicted with TDK, there's a person who's hungry to make a difference despite your ailment. and ironically, the very cure you need to rid TDK from your system comes from the the very thing you denigrate.

more importantly, for every michael that's out there, there's 2 other youth that need someone to tell them that they can do the same things that he's doing. it's hard work and not everyone is built for it; not everyone is exceptional. but if you feel you are, i challenge you to act on it. make someone else more exceptional than you are. guaranteed you'll be pleased with your investment.

peace and hope for the future...

the process of change

2011-10-28T14:41:00.002-04:00

shawn carter, sean bell, /
what's the difference, do tell? /
fifty shots or fifty mil, /
ain't no difference, go to hell. //
~

greetings, party people - i'm back for a post of a different kind. so this whole blog is about my experiences as i try to navigate this thing called life. it started as my experiences in city year in NY, chronicling my corps year and broadcasting what a year of service was teaching me. but then the work picked up, and i poured everything i could into my year, into my young heroes - the middle schoolers that showed me the hope our future has.

now 4 years later, i am who i am because of my corps experience and my perspective has changed abou thow i lead my life. as a 22 year old fresh-out-of-college guy, i grinded to make a difference in the lives of 80 middle schoolers, educating them about social justice and providing them an opportunity impact their community thru service. i had to create an environment where they could spend a saturday learning about the roots of poverty, sharing their worldviews with other young leaders, and then supporting the local food pantry. the creation of that environment was a process - a process that reengineered how i interacted with everyone in my life.

as a manager, understading a process is necessary to faciliate the growth of my team. my job as a manager is to set others up to be successful and at city year, that means developing young adults to unlock their potential. it's what i've been doing since my second year of service and what i want to dedicate my life to. but as a corps member, the concept of a process was foreign. i executed things, got isht DONE; that's what my heroes needed me to do and i'd be damned if i wasn't gonna deliver for them. but during a heroes saturday that my team was running (it was environmental awareness, i believe...), i was forced to step back and see things from the perspective of my team leader (shouts to d.wolfe - guarantee she NEVER reads this). i saw 12 year olds mimic the collaborative spirit of my team while shoveling mulch in a community garden in astoria; i heard words of encouragement given to 11 year olds from 15 year olds just like the words of encouragement i gave to that 15 year old weeks prior. i saw the impact that my team had and i wondered how the hell we did that? what made us special? why was this working?

it was the process.

it was meeting students where they were, addressing their needs, and making a process for them to buy into the concept that service makes you a better person because thru it you can improve on the things around you. that process was a service-learning program that had youth voice in the decisions and leadership; and that program had a process for its development: different roles, different workstreams, different deliverables; and each of those parts had its own process. real talk, in that community garden, i felt like the moment neo was shot in the matrix and revived himself - the way he saw the world was literally and irrevocably changed. no green lines of boolean code, i saw systems within systems that spawned systems; i saw limitless opportunities; i saw the key to changing the world. but we didn't force it. we knew that building relationships with middle schoolers took patience and consistency; if you force it, you lose your authenticity and once you lose that, it's game over. you rarely get second chances with 7th graders.

so, why this longwinded ass anecdote? i doodle. a lot. it's how i get thru boring meetings, it's what i do to keep my hands busy, and it keeps my mind from racing too fast. and sometimes, my doodles can become elaborate, but they never become art. art is a creative expression of self and i rarely put myself into my doodles. but i want to - i want to take my doodles and explode them into something that i use to share who i am. that's where you come in. i need to draw more and i'm going to use this blog right here to hold me accountable. i made a process for this endeavor...the problem i didn't stick to it. my lamesauce ass.

the kid's first 3 song doodle

my process is to use 3 songs to draw/sketch/doodle/etch/scratch/paint/glue/~~poop~~ something from my mind. back in my high school days, when art teachers would tell me about my potential if i applied myself (ha, comical), i learned that you hafta respect the process for making art. you had to immerse yourself and not be mad the outcome all the time. if you tried to control the process, you cut yourself off from infusing yourself into a piece - you couldn't make art.

so i did this 3 song doodle earlier this week and hated it. legit, despised it. i still do. looking at it makes me want to vomit. but it's because i compromised the process and forced it. and what i got was 2 pages of doodoobutter. and when talking to a good (and wise) friend this week, i realized that just like my heroes, i need to facilitate this process and not force myself into it. i need to accept where i am and use the folks around me to push me beyond where i think i can go. i'm no different than my young heroes in NY - i just wish i had a corps member to help me with this stuff.

well, nah - i don't wish i had a corps member; i have y'all. or you, whatever. so this art spit? it's finna be a long process, but i'm gonna work thru it and get to a place where i can create something that represents me and those i love and appreciate. it'll make a dope housewarming gift for someone. let's see what next week brings.

peace and renewed vision...

wipes off the grime

2011-10-23T20:05:00.000-04:00

so, i guess my lyrical mission /

is that of any muslim or christian; /

spread the goodness his gospel thru the rhyme intervention. /

if rap was religion, i'd be a southern baptist. /

could never be a catholic. why? cause i don't appeal to the masses. //

after taking the ILL hiatus, i'm back in the blogosphere with sights, stories, and nonsense to share. july of 2009 was the last time that i dropped a post and to be real, i was in a really special place at that moment in time. i had graduated from my second year of service at city year new york, developing, running, and ending the long island city young heroes program. i was working at ithaca college on their summer institute program from prefreshman students (and please believe that program has nary seen a staff as bomb as we were...just sayin). i was smitten by a young woman with whom i had never felt a connection to since many moons before. i was finna head home to queens, find an afterschool program to rock with, grind on my GREs, and then apply to graduate school with a fine woman that cared about me and start my adult life.

then my unfortunate reality kicked in, realness suffocated my plans and dreams and i returned to actuality. the night she and i had was just the magic of good food, a good movie, and two people that genuine feelings for each other that wouldn't balance a see-saw. she made moves, i had no job, and refused to be the most educated dude on the basketball court in rochdale. leeching off of my mother was not the move and i felt completely lost. i turned down a number of definite jobs because they didn't feel right and until that moment, i just followed what felt right to me -- that "The Alchemist" influence, i suppose. i committed myself to following the signs that would lead me to my Personal Legend and 2 weeks after that last post, i damn near gave up. but a sign presented itself.

her name is nicole and she legitimately changed my life for the better. she had reached out to my old supervisor at CYNY and wanted to see if i would be a good fit for a program manager position at city year boston. a program manager? me? the very thought was laughable -- me tryna build a team and set them up to be successful? me being responsible for the development of people no more than 3 years younger than me? me being the HNIC? nah. you're bugging.

but i had no reason to say no and the words of my man, d.mills, echoed in my head. "son, you need options out here. and city year is the place you can thrive in or take over depending on how long you wanna climb." i knew nicole, i trusted nicole, and i desperately wanted to be a part of young heroes again. so i applied, got the job, and moved to boston in a 9 day span. good thing i never really unpacked from my summer in ithaca.

that brought me to the second leg on my post-graduate / "adult" life, the leg i'm currently running on now. and that brings me to where this blog is finna go now. i've got about 2 years to fill in for you (yes, you the one person that actually reads this blog) and i'm going to do that while weaving in up-to-date ancedotes and thoughts. these past 2 years given me a ton of perspective -- i've hurt and been hurt, i've succeeded and failed, i fell in love and then realized that i fell for the wrong person. this life i'm leading is a process and hopefully this blog is gonna chronicle that process. i don't have a damn clue where i'm going or what i'm meant to do. i'm just following signs and doing what i feel is right because it hasn't steered me wrong yet.

so, there's gonna be more dimensions to this blog the...fourth...time around. my phone is smarter although i'm not, so i can drop more multimedia on this mug. there'll be some doodles and scribbles, every entry will still start with a clip of music that relates to it, and i'll be more deliberate about posting. the goal is once a week until i get comfortable generating enough content. real talk tho, i'm just not that fascinating of a person. perhaps that's not the best thing to admit on a blog...

either way, welcome back. grab a beverage you enjoy, keep an open mind as you scroll thru my thoughts, musings, and experiences, and above all send me your comments. if you comment, i'll reply (to any and every comment) -- i'm all about discourse.

peace and renewal, party people....

under construction

2011-10-16T17:35:00.000-04:00

like a missy elliott album - stay tuned for more...

blows off the dust

2009-07-18T22:53:00.004-04:00

i fly like paper, get high like planes. /
if you catch me at the border, i got visas in my name. /
if you come around here, i make 'em all day. /
i get one done in a second if you wait. //
---
dang...it's been a while. i figure since i can't really sleep due to my wonky sleep schedule, i might as well get on my personal update grizzly. considering it's been a good...17 months since i've posted anything, allow me to give you the abridged version of what's been poppin in 7 words or less per event.
-completed my city year and went to MI.-met a lady.-started another city year as a service leader.-made incredible friends in co-workers.-realized what true leadership looks like.-made the BEST team CYNY had (real talk).-mantreated.-recruited 110 heroes in LIC.-lost that lady.-questioned everything.-went backwards to move forward.-failed.-saw more in myself.-mantreated again.-ended heroes and cried.-graduated 90 heroes and almost cried.-left CYNY.-went to ithaca college.-made a dope program with bomb people.-made myself better.-played metroid prime 3.-woke up to blog.

there. now you're all caught up. i'ma try to be better about this blogging for the 8 people that read this jawn, but seriously, i can't get much worse than 18 months between posts, so we can only go up from here.

shout out to the summer institute 2009 staff and scholars; legendary is all they can call it.

back to following my personal legend, reading the signs, and looking for happiness.

peace and alchemy...

opens vent

2008-02-06T22:05:00.000-05:00

i done came up, got my name up, /
so when they speak of who's blinged up, /
i'm who they bring up. /
come up dissin and you'll come up missin; /
i'ma cutthroat baller, like OJ simpson. /
---

i've just folded 110 young heroes newsletters for the past 2 hours in the CYNY office (that's 110 x 4 folds...do the math). as a break and insurance that i DON'T have carpal tunnel syndrome, the following is a rant. yup, nothing deep. just me rantin and ravin. i call it: the morning commute. expect more rants to come.

cheea!

you know what i can't flippin stand:

* people on the Q85 that try to get thru the bus with big ass bags on their backs;
* people that stand in the doorway on the subway;
* people that get on the subway and the STOP in the doorway;
* people that don't let folks off the train before they get on to just STAND IN THE DOORWAY;
* the catholic school kids that act mad rowdy because they think they deserve to since they don't go to their hard-ass district school;
* the 6 train (yea, i don't use it in my commute. i just hate it);
* people that purposely spill coffee on the subway floor because the cup is too full for them to drink;
* the inconsistency of the Q85...ALL THE TIME;
* the people that see me everyday that look at me funny in my city year attire;
* only getting phone service at jamaica van wyck;
* having unfulfilling microsleeps in between stations that cause me to ALMOST miss my stop;
* sidekicks;
* living in the same boro as my school and STILL leaving before some of my teammates wake up;
* regularly carrying like 25 lbs. of junk on my back.

...there. i feel better.

think.mtv.com --> go there and look at city year new york do it big.

peace and catharsis...

PS: locate the hip-hop docktrine 2...illest boondocks mixtape available, folks. shout to aaron mcgruder (who will NEVER read this blog).

hoursSERVED: 1017.5

the genesis...

2008-01-20T09:18:00.000-05:00

i got a part to play, we going hard these days /
fuck the harder way, we doing it the smarter way /
to my God i pray, that's how i start my day /
the bullets start to spray, the revolution starts today /
i say the shit these people ain't got the heart to say /
fuck the harder way, we doing it the smarter way /
to my God i pray, that's how i start my day /
the bullets starts to spray, the revolution starts today //
---

the young heroes program: a saturday community-service club for middle schoolers that can be found in 17 places thruout the country. i and my team have spent the last 4 months prepping, planning, and praying for this program to begin as strong as it could. in the beginning, everything seemed to work against us...our school's principal passed away right before we were to enter the school; the program that we were supposed to be collaborating with wrapped us in bureaucratic red tape for months, crippling our effectiveness; we were a start-up site with lower recruitment goals; we lost a team member (then again, every heroes team in NYC did...); and to top it all off we had a fresh service leader with minimal city year experience. unbeknownst to us tho, we HAD the greatest asset of all...

the people.

because of our efforts, the long island city community reached out to us, accepting us into its businesses, its schools, and its family. we exceeded recruitment goals, matching the goals for the sites already in existence. we confirmed close to 100 young heroes (goal = 84) and hands down our heroes are the best. how do i know? well one, i recruited them (^_^) and two, i met all of them yesterday.

yesterday was our heroes training academy (HTA), the day our heroes get a crash course to what this young heroes biz is all about. after a HELLACIOUS morning with long speaking fits by us and more technical difficulties than windows 95, we engaged about 75 heroes in physical training (PT), prepared them for 1000 people watching them become sworn in as Young Heroes (note the capitalization...it's a big deal), and then showed them how transformative they will be in the next 4 months by having them make butter. from scratch. with marbles. no lie.

however, it wasn't the numbers that came that made this day special for me, it was the energy the heroes had. i remember what i was like in middle school; i had no real friends, i didn't have the chance to do some good like our heroes do. i was running back and forth trying to get the presentation situated and heroes were calling out to me, saying "hey, jamaal/jam/nanny/j. rocker," (i've developing numerous nicknames from my lunchtime visits) and they all had this glow in their eyes. they wanna make a difference in their communities and it's my job to make sure they have the tools and resources necessary to do so.

i've always been one to go hard in my endeavors. some say you're destined to fail if you're heart's not in it. that's why i've devoted myself to these heroes...they've devoted themselves to us.

i will not fail. i will make a difference, alongside MY heroes.

peace and empowerment...

"We want a young person to be recognized as an asset, a resource, and most importantly, part of the solution." -- Young Heroes Program

hoursSERVED: 907

o_O

2008-01-16T22:34:00.000-05:00

i get the boosters boostin' /
i get computers putin' /
y'all get shot at, call me, i'll do the shootin'//
---
this was my day today:

~went to the office and got farted on taking the W train;

~had a profoundly deep conversation in the CYNY office bathroom. over a urinal;

~was called a "governmental bitch" by some lady on the R train back to IS 204;

~realized i was on the R train after watching a heated mario kart DS duel by the strangest high schoolers;

~walked from queens plaza to IS 204 (a good trek) after getting lost for a couple minutes;

~played nothing but cam'ron tracks in the office at IS 204 so demonstrate the sillyness of the diplomats.

ahhh, service...

HTA in 3 days...check local news outlets NYCers.

peace and goonie goo goo...

hoursSERVED: 881

back for '08...

2008-01-12T22:50:00.000-05:00

oh what a feelin', i'm feelin life [hey!] /
you ain't even gotta bring ya paper out /
we the dope boys of year; drinks is on the house [we in the house!]
the roc boys in the buildin' tonight [hey]
look at how i'm chillin', i'm killin' this ice [hey!] /
you ain't even gotta your purses out /
we the dope boys of year; drinks is on the house [we in the house, house, house...]
---

hiya, peoples. apologies on the lack of proper updates; it's been a wild four months to say the least. however, it's 2008 and i'm feeling bueno. the blog's gonna get a bit more jamaal-centric now that i've learned how to separate myself from my work (to SOME degree); however, i will be updating on my city year experience in depth on think.mtv.com. that being said, allow me to update you all on what's been good with the kid since you last tuned in:

~ city year: CYNY has been influential in guiding me towards my goal of affecting change in the LIC community. good folks, good people, terrible social scene tho. guess i'm really as old as i feel...

~ young heroes: we flippin MASSACRED recruitment this year. your boy hit the streets, slinging community service like cooked crack; and it worked. we've confirmed 95 students in young heroes in LIC alone (destroying our goal of 84) and 198 city-wide. shouts to my fellow heroes who have dedicated themselves to making this program pop off in 7 days.

~ wii: i've conquered that loser, kakarot, in DBZ budokai tenkaichi 3 and will now challenge folk worldwide with the saiyan prince. i'd call out, double G but he's STILL not worth my time. oh, and guitar hero is flipping dope.

THINK: CYNY has been chosen by MTV to launch its newest initiative: think.mtv.com. THINK is kinda like facebook for social activists; it allows folk to unite and educate themselves on various issues concerning social justice. from news articles to organizations to specific causes, THINK provides an interesting opportunity to learn about what's really going down in our world. plus, what's social networking without media? THINK offers folk to upload shots, clips, and blog their fingers off about what's affecting them. it's still in its nascent stages so it's kinda rough to navigate, but definitely give it a peep when you have some time. also, the bulk of my city year blogging will go there (at least the stuff that makes the company look good) so if you wanna catch up on my corps experience, look for it there.

oh, and since CYNY is such a G organization, MTV is sending us vid-cameras to document our corps experience to possibly be played on MTV sometime during the summer, so peep think.mtv.com for the kid and all my young heroes saving LIC.

nothing overbearing this post, just a hearty hey ya and check me out more often cause i'm finna blog up a storm.

peace and new experiences...

hoursSERVED: 861

CITY|year: bomber dedication

2007-09-29T11:56:00.000-04:00

no track for this one...nothing really fits.
---

it's a city year tradition to "earn" one's uniform for their service year. not necessarily to weed out the folks who are in it for the free timbos, but to offer corps members and staff an opportunity be introspective...to ponder on what brought them to city year and what will drive them thru a challenging 10 months. on the day before opening day, the day of our installation into americorps and city year, we hold a bomber dedication ceremony. the bomber is the most iconic portion of the city year uniform. it's nothing too special; a bright red windbreaker with the CY logo on the front, an american flag on one sleeve, the americorps logo on the other, and "city year" on the back. wait, i mistyped; it's nothing special to the average person. ignoring the simplicity of its design, what the bomber represents is the idealistic spirit that courses thru each member that wears it; it represents the pledge that each member has taken to devote their time and energy to enacting positive change in the communities they serve in; it represents that future that our country can achieve if service were put before conflict. to the children in the communities we serve, that bomber symbolizes love, support, and appreciation; that's special. as i said, we dedicate our bombers to whomever or for whatever we would like. and i was scared.

i didn't want to just do something hackneyed and trite because i take my year of service very seriously, regardless of whether others around me do not. i thought about the influences i've had, both positive and negative, and decided that when it came time for me to share who i was dedicating my bomber to, i would just speak. no forethought, no preparation, just talk and keep talking until...i dunno. i guess i didn't think about the ending. people before me were dedicating their bombers to friends, family, loved ones, past students, children, themselves...all of them were touching and beautiful. i held back tears on numerous occasions at the depth to which people were willing to expose themselves to people they've only known for at most, 3 weeks. we sat in a circle, fresh to death in our new uniforms, silently absorbing each other's passion, dedication, and hope. then it was my turn. and i was scared.

i swallowed hard. my throat tightened as if i no longer could control my heart (perhaps i couldn't...) and i just spoke.

"i dedicate my bomber and my year of service to my parents, my mother and father. for thru her unconditional affection and his constant absence, i know what true love is."

i felt them watching me. i hesitated before grabbing my bomber and unzipping it, awaiting more words, but nothing came out. when i put my bomber on, i felt wrong. wrong for mentioning my father at a place where such love and compassion were. wrong for even having him in my head at a time where we should focusing on what motivates us to do good things. and that's when i felt it...the coldness of hatred. and i was scared.

for those who may not know, i have a complicated relationship with my father. i don't know where i stand on a lot of issues with him, but i know that i cannot live with his burden...that's not fair. his burden of being a pisspoor father is not one that i must carry as his offspring, i know that, but to be real, he serves as the antithesis of what i hope to become. for 22 years (more or less) i've known little about the man that sired me except what my mother has told me. yea, she's biased, but then again so am i. but what shook me was the enmity i have for him...the amount of hate in my heart and my mind that...that keeps me focused and fueled. i feed off of my hatred for him and use that energy to teach love for all people? can it work that way? am i as hypocritical as i feel? i don't know...i don't know and i'm scared.

i never wanted to despise him...but i do. objectively, i should just talk to him, hear his side of the story, find out the truth from the source instead of relying on hearsay...but i don't want to. the funny thing about love and hate is that they are most often thought of as polar opposites; love = NOT hate and hate = NOT love. however, that's not the case. love and hate are both sources of motivation for our actions, only one gives you immediate gratification while the other one delays it; love is infectious while hate is poisonous...same idea, but our semantics skew our perceptions. i hate my father because it's easy, instant gratification; but i love him as well because he's a part of me and i damn sure do love myself (at times). so this internal conflict, this love/hate dance, truly represents what my service year is about. if i'm going to instill in these young heroes the importance of loving your neighbor as yourself, i'm going to have to force myself to do the same, especially because everyday i put that bomber on, i'm accepting his influence on me. it's not like me to back down from a challenge, but it's different when you ARE the challenge...it's scarier.

i dedicate my bomber and my year of service to my mother and my father....thru service, i hope that i can find peace and use it to kindle the spirit within me instead of a mix of love and hate.

i'm sorry for hating you and i'm sorry for loving you; i'm just scared.

CITY|year: day.16

2007-09-22T18:51:00.000-04:00

This puppet democracy brainwashed your psychology, /
So you're nothing like diversity with equality. //
---
oh dear, it's been a minute since i've written anything..but that's because of the hecticosity that city year has been providing. we began our third week at cyNY with BTR, or basic training retreat. when you boil that down it pretty much means that we were taken to a camp that offered bunzdoodoo food and slept in window-less cabins.

what a teambuilder.

the purpose of BTR is to talk about and prepare the corps for various issues revolving around diversity (*shudder*) and other issues of sensitivity. i didn't wanna enter the week negative, so i assumed the best; i looked forward to engaging and stimulating conversations about our prejudices and what we can do to ensure that we remain respectful of people's differences. instead, conversations focused on semi-philosophic drivel and giving certain folk an opportunity to do some frontal-lobe masturbation, ejaculating a series of statements used to either solidify their defenses or show off their acute sensitivity skills. suffice to say, i got little out of the weekend except a chance to view some corps members in a more natural environment, the people-watcher that i am, and legitimatley befriend other peers. people chose to deflect truly difficult issues like homosexuality, racism, and self-identity, offering little more than sound-bites and glib remarks about how "not racist" they are. even some of the workshops aired on the side of safety instead of probing a bit deeper. to be real, i woulda liked to see SOMEONE get offended or show a bit of emotion and then have it challenged instead of coddled. but i guess that's what the year is for...

i've been debating on whether or not to delve into another issue that BTR brought about...i'm on the fence only because i would like to believe that in time the issue will resolve itself. however, my gut says that it won't so do i bring it up? let me know the 4-6 of you that read this blog and make the decision for me; if y'all say yes, expect it in the next couple of days.

quick update on young heroes: the team is coming along nicely. we're still in our training regimen, YH practicum, and we enter our schools for the first time on monday (SUPER GASSED about that). as a group, the three heroes teams are definitely the most solid corps members and i can taste the incredible things we're gonna make happen this year. i'm in the process of deciding what role i wanna have on the team. i can do mostly anything, but my heart is calling me to try the service role or event/operations). E/O reminds me a lot of the programming that i had to do at the 'nell, coordinating events and being the point person. it would give me a chance to properly develop my delegation skills and give me a familiarity cushion. if i wanna push myself more, i should do service because i'll then be responsible for being the HDIC (head dude in charge) for all of the service projects that YH does, coordinating with the civic engagement team (NYCE!), and calling communities organizations for possible service projects. PLUS, the service projects will hafta relate to the topic for the day...mad pressure. i kinda wanna test the waters and do service, but we'll see what i choose...by tomorrow.

anyhoo, that's enough for one session...shout out BSP, SB for making me talk, and of course all the future young heroes. oh, and again, if there's a city year site in your area, PLEASE look out for and attend a service day (http://www.cityyear.org), you won't be disappointed.

still reppin'....HE-ROES!

PS: free the jena six...

CITY|year: day.8

2007-09-14T01:23:00.000-04:00

This ain't the glorified, just painting the street picture /
There's no guidance or Bibles, just blunts and swishers /
Gillettes cut 'caine in kitchen /
Now every rapper wanna claim he hang with Kenneth "Supreme" Griffith. //
---

the genesis...i officially have a team (altho my heart is still with the lighthouse). i am a member of the young heroes team based out of IS 204 in long island city (he-ROES!), which means i'll be developing service projects and saturday programs for middle schoolers to engage various social justice issues. this will be the FIRST young heroes team in LIC so we're setting the foundation for years to come (no pressure). oh, and for those that feel as tho youth are a nuisance, PLEASE come to MLK Day in january 2008 so i can prove you wrong. please. honestly. say we can't reverse demises and turn falls into rises...

however, this blog is more than just an affirmation of what i'm currently doing, i'm gonna flex philosophic too. my team is eight strong; we vary in age, leadership experience, and character yet are unified by our desire to serve. no lie, it's gonna be a challenging year...we've got some competitive folk who are blinded by correctivity that they cannot accept feedback; we've got some folk that aren't the most socially apt, but they're getting there; we've got some folk that need to step up and grab the mic and others that need to practice their back-up dances. but it's early in the game so i'm just making my mental notes, remembering that this is big leagues and when needed, i gotta step in and make sure what we're doing is beneficial. but where do i draw the line? when does my guidance become pompous? should i develop some sort of internal gauge and keep myself outta the red zone? my heart says yeah...i'm now a part of something much larger than myself in city year and i'm always one to put the community before me, now i just hafta be adamant about our direction when i feel we're heading down a treacherous path.

in any case, i'ma be assessing my adopted hood over the next couple weeks before we get our serve on. therefore, if you see that city year logo in astoria, LIC, queensbridge, or ravenswood, holla at us...we're here to work with you to make the changes you wanna see happen.

still representin' like the last track of illmatic....

PSs: shout to the homie ray m. for being the ONLY person to even attempt to guess the tracks (q-boro!) \\ if you want to get involved in some service days with city year (come out, plant some flowers, clean a park, paint a mural), drop a comment and i'll get back at you...city year is NATIONWIDE, as is our service \\ and if you wanna see city year: NYC in action, come to union square at 8:15a every mon. and fri....you'll see me there.

CITY|year: day.3

2007-09-06T20:18:00.000-04:00

I still struggle just like you \
And I still hustle just like you \
But it just so happens that \
Big Pooh doin' what he love to do. \\
---

straight up and down, my feet burn cause of all the walking, but my soul is fired up. i'm not usually gonna hit back-to-back blogs simply because...well, i'm just kinda lazy. however, i'm moved to do it again like j.legend and share with you why i haven't felt this good in a minute and a half.

i spent the day walking about new york city. mind you, i don't just mean "the city," manhattan, i mean LITERALLY new york city. from brooklyn heights, to lower manhattan, to chinatown, to little italy, and BACK to brooklyn, today was a veritable walking tour of my city. OD to say that least. but thruout the day i got to really interact with my fellow corps members and teammates (lightHOUSE...your call...) on a person-to-person level. there was no awkwardness, there was no judgment, folk were real all day and that allowed me to let down those ever-present defenses of mine momentarily and give them a glimpse of the madness that fuels me. we had a chance to just speak to each other and learn from each other about our lives, our passions, especially about what brought us to city year. it was refreshing to hear about other people, the listener that i am, and not feel the need to analyze (even tho i still did a bit). i fit within the corps of city year...i belong there, and i'm blessed that i have the chance to serve alongside some of the most powerful people our society has to offer. fall back futility, expediency, timidity, and comfort...my idealism is comin for you.

imagine. recruit. transform. inspire. try it out, cause i'm finna to.

oh, and if you're planning on traipsing about new york, don't rock chuck taylors...it's just not a good look.

maintainin'...[+ -- oo]

CITY|year: day.2

2007-09-05T20:36:00.000-04:00

Spray paint and ink pens /
I use to write in every color I think in /
To paint a picture with every line that I speak in /
Yeah, the gallery is the beacon //
---
::[message from the management]::
so this blog is really MAD selfish. sure, you gain some insight into who i am, what i do, how i think. but the real purpose of this weblog (that's the expanded version on "blog") is to check myself and give myself something to look back on in a few weeks, a few months...who knows, even a year. it'll be a melange of me, aspects from all that i do and love. some things are gonna be deep, profound, life-changing; some are gonna need lotion they're so dry. so remember, when those blog entries just aren't as entertaining as you may expect, i'm sorry...but this isn't for you.

even tho, it kinda is.
::[end message]::

...it's funny...i would have never thought that of all the things i learned in college, the most important things came from my work in student organizations. i shouldn't be too surprised; i broadcast the importance of service to one's community all the time. service is what brought me to city year - new york...only now in the early stages of my service year i'm already conflicted.

for those that are unaware, city year is a national organization under the americorps that works to better the lives of children thru intervention programs and community-based initiatives. that's just a fancy way of saying that we serve to empower and educate youth so that we improve their conditions and give them the resources to improve their own conditions. thru the service that i've been a part of, in school and out of school, i feel particularly drawn to the young heroes program, a program that offers afterschool and saturday programs to middle school children. it would give me a chance to work with a demographic that i'm familiar with, can relate to, and it would offer me a chance to put the programmatic skills i've garnered to great use. but i dunno...do i politic and hustle my way onto young heroes, express interest and my own skills to those who make the team development decisions; or do i play my position and allow myself to be placed wherever i will best serve?

oftentimes i fall back, especially because of how i'm seen. i'm more than just j.willy, i'm an ivy-league graduate, i'm a positive BLACK male, i'm a catalyst for change and sometimes that catches people off-guard. but i know that i'd be doing these youth and myself a true disservice if i were to bite my tongue and not serve where i think i'll be the most effective. i cannot allow myself to step down for the sake of others stepping up as often as i'd like to. the skill set that i've acquired in my life is so perfect for this opportunity and to hide that would be selfish. if i claim to wanna help my people, then it's time to begin cultivation not only of youth, but of my peers.

still doin' it for the community...

PS: the label is the name of the track that the verse at the beginning comes from...you gotta guess the artist tho. you get the artist, i shout you out in the next blog. simple.